His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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