It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
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And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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