I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Randomize
