If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Dicks are not precious.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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