tell your sister to shave her snatch
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
