I could make wine with my vomit
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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