If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
