Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
