Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
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