Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
