I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
