if i can run in heels then i can drive
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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