and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Randomize
