My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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