the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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