i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
