Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
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