my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
