Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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