I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
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