Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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