So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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