I accidentally had phone sex last night
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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