I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
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