totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Randomize
