Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
