Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
