I think im going to throw up on grandma
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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