That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
it hurts more in the daytime
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
