He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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