Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
