Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
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