yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
