I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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