id be glad to
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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