Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just cut my nipple shaving
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Randomize
