i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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