I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
