Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Randomize
