Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
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