Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
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I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
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What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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