Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
well you can't waste a boner
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
