you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
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I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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