fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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