What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
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He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
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Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
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