Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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