So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I wish there were birth control emojis
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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