Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
