I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he laminated a picture of his dick.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
