So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
