my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
