I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
