i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
