It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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