tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
40s are totally the cure
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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