Where are you?
In a non slutty way
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
